Grief is like the Ocean!

I attend the suicide prevention walk every year because I hope to raise awareness and prevent even one family from going a suicide loss. I am a suicide loss survivor but I hope that one day...there is no such thing. 

There are no photos of Rob in my home in our kids eye view. I never thought of it until the morning of the walk. I put my shirt on that has Rob's photo on the front. I picked up Maddie and she started flipping out. I have no idea what she was trying to tell me, but John and I both could tell that she "knew Rob." She was pointing at my shirt and looking at me as if to say, "I know him...how do you know him? I love him." It was one of the most powerful 30 seconds of my life. I have always hoped that Rob was here watching over my kids and me....letting me know he is here and watching them grow up. You see, Rob was amazing with kids. His niece  was his whole heart. I can only imagine how much he would have had fun with my kids...played with them...taught them bad things and a little bit of the good things too. :) 

I was asked to be a part of the bead ceremony this year at the walk. You stand on stage and someone reads a speech that you wrote about your loved one. I wrote all the things that made Rob...Rob. As Barbara read off all his amazing qualities, including how he loved anything fast....cars..motorcycles really anything fast, a very loud motorcycle revved his engine and took off down the street. It was so loud that Barbara could not finish her speech until he passed. That was in true Robbe fashion. It was a confirmation for me that he was there and he is proud of what I am trying to do for suicide prevention. It was comforting and sad all at once. It made me wish I could verbally talk to him and get a response, but brought peace to know that all these years later he is still showing his presence.

When you loose someone close to your heart, sooner than you would expect, you are left to wonder so many things. You wonder if you should have said something different before they passed? You wonder how they felt in their last moments? You wonder if you could have done anything different?You wonder if they are still here with us in spirit? The wonder can be overwhelming at times!!!!

You end up making it through the grieving process, but if we are honest we never stop grieving. Our grieving changes and evolves but never goes away. When you LOVE someone, that does not stop when they are no longer with us. 

Rob has been gone since April 21, 2012. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday and it hurts. I have worked through my grief and I am blessed that most days I get to remember the happy moments and focus on the good. But we all have our days where we wish we could hear their voice one more time...see their smile but not in a photo....feel the feeling when they made you laugh. Life keeps going on...and the only thing we have left is the CHOICE to be happy and stay positive. You get ONE life...why wouldn't you live each day like it was your last? Live the life that would make your loved one proud and try to focus on the happy times. I am blessed that I got to have Robbe in my life for 25 years...but sure have missed him a lot in the past 6!

Love to a whole new level...My babies birth story!

Just when you think you know what love is...not just one...but two babies are born and love was on fire. I knew that I loved John very early in our relationship and just knew he was the one after the second date. I thought that love could not get any better or more instant than that. Then it happened.

I had a rough pregnancy and did not enjoy it at all. I threw up the entire time, broke two ribs from throwing up, had muscle spasms, got gestational diabetes and could not stand for more than a few minutes without being in pain. I loved the babies when they were inside me but I never enjoyed the time because I was so miserable. I had complications and was in and out of the hospital the weeks before I delivered so when I started having contractions on August 28th, I thought that I would go into the hospital and they would stop them...then I would go home. Never did I imagine that they would tell me that the babies would come today. They gave me every medication to try to stop labor, some making me feel like I had the flu and make me want to crawl out of my own skin. I labored all night long...and when the doctor came in the next morning he said that there was nothing else they could do...the babies were coming and since they were both breech, it would be a c-section. My mind started spinning. It was to early, they are not done cooking, they need more time inside me or they will not survive, I still have 7 weeks until they are born, IT IS NOT TIME! I started having guilt, Why couldn't I keep them in longer? Did I do something to cause this? Did I walk around to much? Did I lift something I shouldn't have? It is amazing what your mind will do when fear takes over.

So here is the thing about life, we make plans and LIFE changes them. I had less than an hour to come to terms with all the possibilities that were to come. The babies may come out and not be breathing on their own, I may not even see the babies until the next day, they may have to put them on machines, and I will be recovering from surgery. It was a lot to take in when you are not prepared at all for it. I prayed, hugged my husband and trusted that God already knew all this was going to happen and HIS PLAN was better than mine. Not to say that made it easy, but I know that God will always carry me through each plan he has for us.

The babies were born and the sweet sound of crying happened moments later. There was NO better sound in the world. THEY WERE ALIVE AND BREATHING. I thanked God for that first blessing and trusted that he had the right people there to care for them. My husband was able to go with the babies to the NICU and stay with them and a few hours later they wheeled me in on the hospital bed to see them. They were hooked up to machines, had IVs in their arms and were in the enclosed incubators. They opened the small holes on the side and let me touch their tiny little feet. I wanted to grab them and wrap them in my arms and tell them I loved them so much, but for now touching tiny toes would have to do.

In the days to follow, we were able to hold them, feed them and snuggle them. I started realizing that I would be in the hospital for 4-5 days and they would be there much longer than that. That meant that I would have to go home and leave them there. I am a very logical person in general. I don't usually work off emotions, I think logically and can deal with things that way. When the doctor discharged me I thought I had it all worked out in my head. It made sense....the babies had to stay here....they need the extra care that I can't provide at home. My husband and I walked out of the hospital and got in the car...I still felt confident that things were ok. Then he pulled out of the parking lot and I burst into tears. I was leaving the hospital without my babies. That is not how it is supposed to be. You leave the hospital and your baby comes with you. That is what all my friends did, that is how it is supposed to be...but it was my reality. Logic went out the window and all I could base my thoughts on was raw emotion. How could I just leave my babies behind and go home? What was I going to do at home? Watch TV? Read a book? Nothing sounded ok...I wanted to be with my babies....so we dropped off our stuff and drove right back. Each time I had to leave after that was a burst of emotions and tears but each time got a little easier knowing that they were in good hands and soon they would be home with us.
I am a planner. I am super organized and always have my ducks in a row, but unfortunately I have learned in the past few years that no matter how much you plan, sometimes God has a different plan and he throws you the curve ball, God gives me the choice to run and catch that curve ball or watch it land and complain that I did not catch it. Once again, I choose to catch that curve ball and run with it. I choose to see God's blessings in all the hard times. I saw all the blessings in that time in the NICU...the amazing nurses that taught us so much about caring for preemies, the friends and family that came everyday to visit, cook us meals and offer their support, my husband and I grew much closer and a bond that I never knew was possible was created. I also saw our friends who had struggles in their life,

healing by helping us care for these precious miracles.
My due date is 6 days away and I still think week by week that they would still be growing in my belly but I get to hold them in my arms. My sweet babies are home now, I think that I appreciate them a little more than I would have if they were born full term. I realize how fortunate I am to have them here with me and cherish each moment with them.

In the words of Junior...Heeeyyyyyyyyy!

I have always had the thought process of living every day like it is your last. I want to not only enjoy all that life has to offer, but LOVE every second of it. It is a choice...I can stay at home and watch TV or I can go out and enjoy all the beautiful things God has to offer with all the people I love. This is a thought process that my friend Junior shared with me and we often would talk about enjoying ALL moments in life with the people we love. 

If you were one of the lucky people that knew Junior, you were blessed. He changed you...you had no choice...his positive attitude and constant laughter was addictive. I can still close my eyes and imagine him walking in the house with a bottle of Gentleman Jack yelling "Hhhheeeyyyyyy." His smile was always so big that it seemed to reach his ears. He never greeted you with a handshake or nod, always a GINORMOUS hug. His voice was so loud and always a happy tone. He was the cheerleader for everything in life. If you told him something special was going on in your life, he wanted to know every detail and would be more excited then you were. He always had ideas on how to help my photography business and wanted me to succeed. Encouraging words and great ideas were his specialty...he was never negative about anything. He wanted the people that he loved to be happy and successful. 

Junior knew how to make every situation special. We spent every birthday together for each one of us and he was the first person to make sure that the plans were made and it was special. One of my birthdays we went to a wine tasting event...after the tasting there was supposed to be a DJ and dancing. We were all excited for the dancing to begin. Once the music started it felt like an awkward 8th grade school dance. Everyone stood on the edges of the room and the dance floor was empty. It took about a half of a song of this for Junior to change things up. He asked if I wanted to dance and when my answer was yes...but no one is dancing....his response was....Let's fix that. HE DID. He slid on the dance floor and did his cowboy dance move and started hollering for us to join him. We had so much fun that night and were all a sweaty mess by the time they closed. This is just one of the million memories I have with him. He wanted everyone to feel special and important. He wanted everyone to always have a good time. His soul was HAPPY and if you spent 30 seconds with him, your soul was happy too. 

There was no one like him in the world...he left an impression on everyone he met. He was a great example of a husband, loving Catarina with all of his soul. He would see her walk in the room and his eyes would light up. Few people get to experience that type of love. His love and devotion to his girls was admirable. He spent so much time making sure those girls knew their daddy loved them...he wanted them to be the best at everything. His example as a son and friend is something I hope that people carry with them and learn from...change who they are and become more like Junior. All I can think of is, if we had more Junior's in the world...it would be a better place. 

It makes me sad to know that my kids will never get to meet him. He was such a huge part of our life. We will make sure to keep his memory alive forever, sharing memories and pictures as the years pass. It is hard to understand why something like this would happen to such a great man...but instead of questioning it, I choose to still love him and honor his memory by living life to the fullest everyday. I hope you are still watching over us Junior and every now and then holler out a HEEEEYYYY to me and give me that GINORMOUS hug! 

We take photos as a return ticket to a moment otherwise gone.

I went to the celebration of life for an amazing woman last weekend. As I was sitting there watching the slideshow of photos of her life it makes you realize that you really don't know how long you have here on earth. It's so important to LIVE your life to the fullest. Karen was a great example of this! As I was sitting there in a packed church of people that loved her, it made me realize what an impact she made in people's lives without even realizing it. Do you ever wonder if the things you say, do or the way you simply live your life is making an impact on someone? Karen made an impact on more than just a church full of people but thousands of kids that passed through her classroom, countless people that she met on her road trips and everyone she met in her day to day life. 

She had countless admirable qualities....her faith in God was the quality I most admired. Even through her illness, her faith never wavered. She always had faith in Gods plan. I hope that my faith stays as strong as hers if I am ever faced with that situation. We had a common passion in life....photography. As she traveled she took photos on every adventure. Watching the slideshow of the photos of her life...you could see her joy for life!

It comfirmed my need to take lots of photos on my adventures in life. During any moment in life...we aren't thinking that we will forget that moment someday. How many times have you looked back at a photo and thought that you forgot that memory....or started remembering everything that happened during that time in life. Funny little moments that seemed insignificant at the time...but bring so much joy years later. 

I have a photo of Rob and Gabe. Gabe must be around five years old. Just a normal day eating dinner and Rob dared Gabe to put hot sauce on his dessert. Gabe did it and the reaction for both of them was a priceless moment. I caught that moment in a picture and it now sits on my fridge as a reminder of the times of laughter. I can't say for sure if I would have remembered that moment without the picture...but I doubt it. 

I feel like our cameras are our eyes...and the shutter freezes that moment in time. I like to think of photos as a return ticket to a moment otherwise gone. 

Just when you think you're doing ok....

The alarm goes off and my first thought was...it will be a good day. Go through each morning routine...no different than any other day. I tried to think happy thoughts and remember all the good birthdays we spent together....it will work this year....I won't be sad....my heart won't ache to hear his voice. Then it happened. The chime of my phone, Facebook reminding me that it's his birthday and asking if I want to send him a gift. Then, my heart sank. Of course I want to wish him a happy birthday and send him a gift. Of course I want to call him and give him a hug....but it won't happen. It's just another reminder that he is not here. 

I do so well for long periods of time now. I miss him and ALWAYS think of him but I no longer end up in a different town when I am supposed to go to work...yell at the target lady for asking how my day is going....cry to the handy man for asking if I have anyone to install the product for me. If you consider all those things....I am doing great. But, it does not make me miss him any less....it does not make it any less difficult to not celebrate his birthday...it does not make me want to hear his voice any less. I just miss him! And I always will! I know that all things happen for a reason and he is always watching over me....it's just a matter of getting used to the new normal. 

Grief is a roller coaster ride that no one asked to ride on. It's all about how you decide to ride the ride. Roller coasters are always scary and fear is something I won't let control my life. I will take each emotion as they come and deal with it but still live everyday as if it were my last. It's what I have gained most from this roller coaster ride....LIVE each day....LOVE each day and never leave ANY words unspoken. I hope your soaring in the sky today Robbie. 

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world!

He has made us all laugh for years. With his quick speech, crazy voices and quick whit...he has brought laughter in all our homes. His talents could not be reckoned with. But there was a sadness behind that smile...a sadness many have and are afraid to show the world. His name is Robin Williams...he was a father, son, husband and friend. He has a large group of people that will now go through the difficult process of finding a new normal without him. 

There is a huge stigma behind mental illness. It's scary to most that do not educate themselves about it. Hell, I am educated about it and it scares me sometimes. I feel fortunate to not suffer from mental illness or depression....but have people that I love, that do. I don't love them any less because of it, but it's not always easy to have them in my life. Sometimes people with mental illness love the deepest but have qualities that are hard to be around. My hope is that one day there will be no judgements against people with mental illness and acceptance will be the norm. 

When a community finds out that one of their own has cancer....they rally together. Fundraisers, cooking meals, babysitting....really anything people need to get through it. It's an illness people can take a blood test...get results and quantify. You physically see the patient loose their hair and get ill. Cancer is a horrible illness that I pray to find a cure for, but there is another illness that kills also but viewed very differently. 

When a member of the same community finds out that someone is diagnosed with depression or bi-polar....the mood changes. They say things like, "they need to just snap out of it" "why can't they just see how blessed they are?" It's almost as if they don't believe that this type of illness is real....they think they are making the choice to feel this way.....That the patient has more control over fixing it or stopping the feelings then the cancer patient fighting their battle. Neither the cancer patient nor the mentally ill patient WANTS the diagnosis. Neither WANTS to feel ill. 

Mental illness is real...and affects more people than you imagine. There are 43.7 million adults and 8.5 million children with mental illness in the United States. This statistic is not accurate considering how many people live in silence with mental illness. Can you imagine how much higher this number would be if we had less judgments on people with mental illness and they felt comfortable talking about it openly and getting help.

Last year in the US, 14.5 people were diagnosed with cancer....and with research and medications, the survival rate as significantly increased over the years. 

With over 43 million people diagnosed with mental illness, chances are you know someone who suffers with it. It's an illness that makes everyone feel so helpless. The person suffering does not want to feel the way they do, the family and friends want to help but feel helpless when their efforts do not change the illness. 

I was not prepared for the waterfall of emotions after Robin Williams death. I am not affected by celebrity deaths....but this one brought back so many emotions. Emotions from the moment I heard my life had changed. When I heard that Robin Williams committed suicide, I immediately thought of his family and friends....what their next days, months and years would be like. The unanswered questions, the "whys" "what ifs"...the blaming yourself...the wondering "I could have stopped it if I would have said something different when we talked"...or "I should not have left him alone....I knew he was sad." Before his death, I had no idea that I was even capable of all the emotions I felt. I learned about the grieving process in college. I lost a few people in my life...all close to me and I went through the process but I never knew the intensity of grief until Rob's passing. 

I feel for Robin Williams friends and family and I really hope that people will start to realize that depression is real....it affects people that put a smile on their face in public but battle deep sadness. Judging people with depression is not the answer....ignoring the problem is not the answer and pretending that you do not see symptoms does not make it go away. I hope this helps you he next time you hear that someone say they suffer from a mental illness to not judge...but accept and love. Some of the people closest to my heart and love me the deepest just happen to have mental illness....I love them for who they are...not what they have. The mental illness does not define them, just as a cancer patient does not want cancer to define their lives. 

Every 13.3 minutes someone in the United States tries to commit suicide. During the time that it took me to write this blog, 4 people attempted suicide. That's REAL!

I ate a taco...but not the kind your thinking of!

Last day in Japan...feeling a little sad that I need to leave tomorrow morning. We decided to have a lax day...went shoping...more eating and took family photos for them. We ate at a traditional Japanese restaurant and drum roll please.......I tried octopus. When I thought we were going to tacos....I thought Mexican...not octopus. Lol. I can promise you, it does not taste like a taco. I don't like fish...so trying this was an adventure! It did not really have a taste....but holy candles the texture was strange. It was super chewy and reminded me of chicken gristle. Proud of myself for trying it but can guarantee that was a one time only deal.

 
We also went to a Japanese grocery store. That was interesting. All their produce is pre packaged...so if you want carrots, you have to get an entire bundle...not just what you need. They had fish just sitting on ice in the meat section and all the meat came in very small quantities.

Here are the things I learned in Japan.

-they have an attention for detail that can't be denied. Everything from their cakes to their buildings are very detailed and beautiful. Everything is presented in the best fashion. 

-you ride the escalator on the left side unless you want to walk fast...opposite in America, so I assume it has to do with which side of the road we drive on. 

-the toilets have heated seats and sometimes even speakers with the sound of water rushing for privacy and sometimes even a bidet. The heated seats are my favorite. I wish we had that in the States in public restrooms. 

-paper towels are not available in all restrooms so women carry a small hand towel in their purse to dry their hands. 

-bowing to someone when you pass by or after a conversation is a sign of respect. 

-people are so quiet and rarely make eye contact when passing you by on the street. I do not feel like a  specticel here like I did in china. 

-the customer service is great. People seem to want to please you...it's genuine. 

-ordering food is very different...it's like ordering in stages...you can't just say I want the steak, there are many options including picking the weight of your food. Kinda nice to order your portion size.

-the country is so clean and the air is too. 

-the climate can change in a minute. One second it is warm, the next freezing.

-when u are finished eating with your chopsticks, always place the on the edge of the bowl, not in the bowl.

-the subway can get packed but everyone is aware of their own space bubble...no pushing.

-a lot of people wear the doctor masks

-7/11 is super popular...they have actual food too...and it's tasty. 

-a corn dog in America is called an American dog in Japan. 

-kanitchewa...is how u say hello. 

I will not only miss my friends but also Japan. Even though it's a huge culture shock for me...I have grown to love the country. The quiet nature and the sutle bow when you greet someone. People going out of their way to help others. The beautiful ring of the language. The food...oh let's not forget the food! Their beautiful presentation of everything. No small detail is ever left out. The shape of the houses and the architecture. The mountain side and beautiful blossom trees. 

On my flight home, I had no one in my aisle at all. I put up all the arm rests and layed flat....best way to fly EVER! I watched the sunset and pinks and purples glow through the window....then the sunrise a few hours later. I come home a different person...learning a lot about not only the culture but tolerance and patience when others are traveling and don't know the language. I love Japan...but I missed the comforts of home.