Day 5...thankful for...

Tonight was my last night at group therapy for people that have experienced a sudden loss in their life. I went into the group only thinking that I would gain something out of it...that I would find the tools to heal my pain. I feel like I learned so much and have some of the tools I need to continue moving forward. Tonight the facilitator of the group took me aside and said that I was inspirational and a positive person and that some of the ideas I shared in group, she was going to bring up in future group therapy sessions. It made me feel good that not only did I get a lot out of group... But that I was able to contribute as well. So today I am thankful for the people I met at group therapy for helping me move forward in life...and continue to heal.

Thankful...Day 3

Today I am thankful for my friends...
It's been a tough year and I have seen the best and the worst in people. I am blessed to have friends in my life that don't judge me and have "put up with" some of my interesting behaviors in the past few months. They have rolled with the punches...kept me active...never judged me....let me cry in the middle of a restaurant if I needed to...and been a strong shoulder when mine were weak. I have never felt so sad, yet so surrounded with love and support all at the same time. Sooooooo...today I am so thankful for my friends. :)

Thankful for my job...both of them!

November 1,1997 I started working at Baker Cadra. I was 19 years old, in college and working three other jobs. It was a super stressful time and I still wonder today how I was able to balance it all. After a year at Baker Cadra, they offered me a different position and I started full time and quit the other jobs....but continued my schooling. It's been 15 years now.... I have spent part of my teens, my 20's and now my 30's there. I have grown, changed, matured, and become who I am, surrounded by people I now consider an extension of my family. The economy has hit our practice and had hours cut but I still have my job.. still have medical insurance and a retirement plan. I still go to work everyday with people that I care about and am proud to work for amazing oral surgeons.
A few years back I started my photography business. This is my passion...what my heart cheers for....what my soul is fed by....it's really what I am meant to be. I am the most happy when I have a camera in my hand and someone on the other side smiling. :)
So I am so thankful to have a job where I spend the day with my extended family helping patients and another job that feeds my soul with a camera in my hand. I am so blessed!!!!!!

A month of being thankful...

This year more than ever I feel like I need to focus on what I have to be thankful for. This year has been a taxing year for me in many ways. BUT it's MY choice to focus on that, or all the wonderful things in my life.
SOOOOOO...it's my goal to blog once a day in the month of November about what I am thankful for... here it goes!

Today I am thankful for Gabriel. He has brought a lot of joy into my life, even through his ups and downs. He has a great sense of humor and is so kind and gentle to little kids, animals and the elderly. He is the best cuddlier EVER! He ALWAYS gives me a hug and kiss when I see him (and I don't even have to ask...for a 12 year old...that's a miracle. lol) He is so fun to take on photo trips and is always the first to spot a great picture. He is super creative and I really believe that one day he will be a great inventor of something amazing! (You should see all the things he has already invented...robot housekeepers, ping pong games ect) He has taught me to love even when it's hard to, have patience and be more creative! So day 1...I am thankful that God brought Gabe into my life! :)

God never gives us more than we can handle....but does he think I am superwoman or something?

I have faith in a plan much bigger and greater than my own....I believe that people, situations and life experiences are put in place for me to grow as a person. Sometimes, it feels overwhelming and I wonder if God thinks that I am superwoman?!?!?!
I have a wonderful, blessed life and I believe that our attitudes and behaviors dictate how happy we are each day. However, there are circumstances in life that throw curve balls at us and make the decision to be happy each day a little harder! Is this a test from God? To see if we are going to continue to honor the life he has given us by choosing happiness? I feel like I have had a million baseballs thrown at me all at once this year. Between Gabriel's hospitalizations, the deaths of 4 people (one of them being my best friend) and the betrayal of a close friend...I feel overwhelmed to say the least. If God does not give me more than I can handle...I must be able to handle a lot.

Everything in life is a learning experience....or I should say...it can be a learning experience. We choose to learn and grow or be sad and bitter. Maybe this is a time in my life to see my own strengths...to hold my head high but to also show my weakness and reach out to others for their strength. This may be the time in my life that I can show that I need others. I have always had several balls juggling in the air all at once....never dropping any of them. I am the one that gives advice to the friend that needs it, has my emotions always put together and handles emergency situations with grace. This is the first time in my life that I have truly NEEDED other people. It scares me to need someone else....makes me feel vulnerable.
The pastor that I have been talking to during this time has given me insight into so many things. He has opened my eyes to relationships in my life...the healthy and unhealthy ones. He has helped me see what I deserve and don't deserve and that it is ok to ask for help and be vulnerable. He has made me realize that there are selfish people out there....the people in my life that are selfish are betraying me because I am not there for them right now...I am not the strong one....I am the one that needs help and not everything revolves around them. Several people have told me that "people show their true colors when someone passes away." I totally agree now.

Since I believe happiness is a choice...I am doing my best everyday to look at the good in life...smile and laugh everyday. It's not always easy...the easy thing would be to pull the covers over my face every morning and pretend that God did not give me another day to enjoy! I have always thought of life as a gift....and continue to focus on that gift. I want to see things, go places, meet new people, eat good food, enjoy and laugh with family and friends....and all of that is A CHOICE!!!

There are no guarantees in life...no time clock saying how long we will be here....no guarantee that we will have it "easy".....so i just try to make the best out of everything that happens...good and bad. So as the curve balls in life are thrown at me...I will dodge and catch them. I will not let the balls knock me over...no matter how hard it gets....and keep a smile on my face as I do it!

The meaning of Life...

We don't give kids enough credit. To often we dismiss what they have to say because "they are just kids", they don't have the life experience to have knowledge. I believe that life experience does create knowledge, however with life experience comes baggage and pain. Think back to your "first love"....that love was the most pure because no one before that person had hurt you, disappointed you or showed you that relationships should be anything but "love". Over time, that changes. We become jaded and less trusting with our hearts. Kids know how to love that "pure love".

Gabe always has a million questions. Usually this is one of the things that I love about him...but yesterday my patience was running thin. I was tired from work, going to the gym and I still had errands to run. Gabe and I are walking through Target and his million questions start. "why do turtles have short legs?" "do you think its a good idea to start my own business when I get older?" The list goes on. So...since my patience was short...I asked him, "What's your next question going to be, What's the meaning of life?" He very innocently said..."No, I already know the answer to that question, It's loving other people." I stopped dead in my tracks and was in awe at the maturity and innocence in that statement. It's so true.

Since children do not understand "romantic love", I know the kind of love Gabe was speaking of was the type you have for your friends and family. Some people we love because they have been in our lives so long that its just a natural feeling...never a thought...just an instinctual feeling. Other love for friends comes with time. Learning to trust someone, having things in common with someone, being there for the person when they need you the most and accepting them for their good and bad qualities.

There is a saying that you learn who your real friends are when times get tough. I have learned that this last month. I have learned who is there for me and who is not. Who answers there phone when I need a shoulder to lean on and who does not. I have two close friends that have sat on the phone with me until I fell asleep so I would not have to fall asleep alone...friends that drop everything in that moment so that I can cry because a "first" has happened and I miss him more than words can say. I have friends that laid next to me and just let me cry...never judging or telling me that it's going to be ok...cause they love me enough not to lie. Friends that keep me busy and call and check on me to just make sure I am ok. All these friends have busy lives and have so much on their own plates...but LOVE me enough to be there for me. I am fortunate to have so many great people in my life.

Living alone is something that I have always loved...until now! My house is more empty now that Rob is not here...I did not realize how much I really did not live alone until he was not here to keep me company anymore. It seems like my grief gets a little harder as time goes on...because the more time that passes, is not time that I heal...its more time that I realize that he is not here anymore....It's not a bad dream...it's reality. Life must move forward and go on...but there will not be a day that I do not miss my Robbie Jeagle....

Missing my best friend....

Most people have friends that come in and out of their lives...the friends they had as young children, they don't stay close to. People change...go off to college...change their likes and dislikes...have different political views...grow as people...change their opinions and life views. People grow apart...it's nautral and does not mean that you do not share and hold those childhood memories close to your heart still...but your lives just go in different directions.
I have an INCREDIBLE group of friends...I have people in my life that love and accept me for who I am...good and bad. Most of my close friends I have had since childhood or high school. My friends are from all walks of life and are living all over the world from Florida to Japan.
Robbie was a consistant part of my life. We both stayed in Modesto and never married...so our lives had no reason to separate. I feel fortunate that God gave me the years that he did with Rob...but I wanted more.
I am a person that is in control in almost everything in my life. I have a handle on things like...my home...my job...my finances....and emotions, A huge lesson in life is that we CAN'T have control over everything.  That is when someones true colors will come out. How do you handle the "lack of control" when it happens....since it is inevitiable? I don't show emotions often...don't cry often...don't get all sappy when I watch movies like, "The Notebook." I am not the typical girl who gets emotional at a hallmark commercial...my emotions just work different. However, recently I have been a blubbering mess of crying and emotions and I have no control. It's very hard for me...but I am trying to take this rush of emotions as a lesson in life...and maybe this will give me more empathy for others who do show emotions.
On April 21, 2012 at 5:45 my life completly changed. I was on my way to take Gabe to see the Modesto Nuts play baseball when I got the call. In that one second I knew that my life would forever be changed. I did not know the extent of it or it what ways...but I knew that I would never feel the same inside again. When I hear people say "Life will go on" and "Time will heal this"....I agree with that to a certain extent. However, life will not ever go on as it was before....it can't. A pivitol person in my life is no longer with me. I will go on and continue my daily routine and find a new routine without him...Life will go on...but it will not go on that way it was. That is what I mean when I say that I need to find my new normal. I never realized just how much I relyed on him EVERYDAY for everything from fixing my sink to fixing my heart until he was not there to fix it anymore.
When someone says "Time will heal this"...I don't agree. Time will not heal anything. I do not think that you ever fully heal from this but I think that time gives the gift of learning your "new normal" and gives you the strength to go day to day without bursting into tears in front of the Target clerk that asks "how is your day going?" (Yes that happened to me last week) Time only gives us the gift of learning to live our daily lives without calling that person to say hi or looking next to you on the couch and it's empty. I am not sure that is "healing" because that void will always be there and the footprint that he left on my soul is still there....but life here on earth must move forward.
In my opinion, I will never be fully healed from this tragedy....but knowing that God is by my side and he has always and will always give me the strength to see the positive things that life offers, makes me have so much peace! God has a master plan...he knows what will happen in each of our lives, he sees our hearts, he puts people in our lives at just the right moment when we need them. God will always take care of me by working through the people here on earth to provide the support and comfort that I need.
At the services yesterday...Rob's 5 year old niece, Addy came up and sat on my lap for a little while. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered in my ear "I love more 108, 340 times, Mantha."(She calls me Mantha) Those are moments that we need to focus on...the people we need to put our positive feelings towards. That moment gave me so much joy and hope. We should all grieve as children do....with love!
I am going to focus my grief on the love I have for Robbie and all the good moments we shared...those moments are everlasting and I am fortunate to have more memories that I can count.

I spoke at his memorial yesterday. I felt like it was my way of honoring him and telling others how amazing he was. I do not need to say goodbye...because I will see him again on the other side! Here is a copy of what I said at the service yesterday...I hope that it shows everyone a glimpse into the wonderful man that he was....

Hi my name is Samantha Hess and I have known Robbie since elementary school. I found a true friendship with Robbie. I had a friend that knew me so long and so well that I never needed to explain who my family was...because my family was his family and his mine. I never had to explain why I had the habits I had...because he knew them as well as I did. I never needed to tell him how I was feeling about something because he knew me well enough by the look on my face or tone of my voice. We talked about everything...there was nothing that I could not tell him because I never felt judged by Robbie and I never judged him.

I never worried about saying something to make him upset at me and loose the friendship we shared because I knew that no matter what happened in life....we would always have each other. There were times that we would get mad at each other...but I knew that no matter what.... we would end up "just getting over it." There were days we would spend together and after the "how was your day" talk, no words were spoken for hours...just because we were so comfortable with each other and just enjoyed each others company.

There is a comfort in having someone in your life for 25 years. A feeling of peace when they are in the room. He was who I turned to when I needed to feel comforted. The comfort that he provided for me in my times of need are not measurable. Every time my heart was broken or I was going through a difficult time he knew just what I needed...just to have him there. He would come and sit with me....he knew that I did not need him to talk, tell me "everything's going to be ok" hug me or try to cheer me up...I just needed him to sit next to me and BE THERE....and he always did that for me. What a wonderful gift that God gave me in him.

He was the type of guy to drop everything in his life if a friend needed him. He was not that for only me, but many others. I can't even count the number of times that I called him in a panic and he rushed over to save the day.

One of those times.... I fell off my front porch, broke my leg and he and Courtney were at my house in a matter of minutes...he swopped me up...put me in the truck and to the emergency room. According to Courtney he did not even stop at the red lights so he could get to me quicker.

There was another time that I called him at 2am because I heard a noise on my roof...I was determined that someone was going to chain saw their way through my roof to hurt me...I know now that was a little dramatic but at the time I was terrified. I called Rob crying and again he was at my house in minutes. The funny part about that incident was that he was in such a rush to get to me that he was in his underwear a t-shirt and his work boots...he came over so quickly he did not even put pants on. It was just a raccoon on the roof so it ended up being a huge joke between us. I would tease him and tell him to make sure he put pants on before he came over.

What I would give to tell him again to get his dirty work boots off the couch...stop texting and watch the movie with me...complain because he ate the whole bag of Doritos and did not leave any for me....argue about who was going to drive to Taco Bell to get dinner...hear him complain in the winter that my house was to cold and make fun of his redneck outfits.

I miss having our movie nights...we would spend an evening watching 4-5 movies and eating junk food.  All of you that know me know that I cant sit still for long. I cant sit through an entire movie. My mind starts racing and I think "I can do a load of laundry real quick" or "wash the dishes"...so I would sit down with great intentions of watching the whole movie without getting up but it just never happened. I miss him counting each time I would get up...he would not say anything...just every time I would get off the couch he would say 1...then the next time 2....and keep that going all night. Then I would make him watch the same movies over again cause I missed so many good parts...he never complained, just watched the movie over and over again until I caught the whole movie in sections.

Robbie had an incredible gift in life to love unconditionally. He was able to see who a person really was. He did not care what type of car you drove, what color your skin  was or how much you weighed...if you had a great soul...he could see it and loved you for that! That is so rare to find. When he would meet someone new...he never described what they looked like or what material possessions they had in life...he told me about the person that they were.

Unconditional love is what we all strive to find in a friend...we were all so fortunate to have Rob give us the gift of unconditional love. To honor him I will always try to do the same...unconditionally love others.

I have peace in knowing that I don't have a doubt that he knew I loved him and I know he loved me. I have always wanted peace for his soul...always wanted him to have true happiness. My heart hurt knowing that his soul was pained. I find comfort in knowing that he is at peace now...in heaven.

When I think about everything that I will miss about Robbie the list does not end. My life will not be the same...I will need to find a new normal...there is a piece that will always be missing...I will forever miss you Robbie!!!