They say the first year is the hardest....all the firsts without him will hit you like a ton of bricks and with time it will get easier...some things do...some don't. I missed him more than usual on monday when my pipe broke...went to reach for the phone....dialed the first 3 numbers...saw his picture come up on my phone and the harsh reality that he would not answer came in the form of tears and gut wrenching pain. I tried to "snap out of it" all day...but could not quite get out of the funk.
On Friday, it will be 8 months since I last heard his voice...made plans to see him in a few hours...seemed like a normal day. Then it all changed. Life has moved forward since then...it has to, but it does not make missing him any easier.
Tonight when I was visiting Courtney and the family....Addy reached up for me to bend over and hug her. I would usually pick her up....but just wrapped my arms around her this time. She held on tight and whispered in my ear, "I used to hug my bubbies just like this when he was alive." I felt a huge lump in my throat forming but knowing that I needed to stay strong for her, I swallowed the tears. She then asked if I missed bubbies too....I told her since he is not here to hug anymore, she can hug me the same way she used to hug him and I missed him so much too...she squeezed my neck so tight and whispered , "I love you."
It was a moment I will not forget....a moment that I wish he was here to hug her for....and maybe me too!
