Letting love guide my life....

"And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." Have you ever noticed how often the bible talks about love? Love is something you can't see, you can't smell it or touch it. It's one of those things that has no logic. You have to FEEL it. For someone like me, one of the scariest things in life is to not use logic and use only my feelings. Logic is safe....makes sense. I base all my decisions on logic, I don't use my feelings to make decisions. It's one of the reasons I don't have unnecessary drama in my life. I think about things before I act on them...usually causes better decision making. Something I have learned this year is that sometimes that all goes out the window and you have to choose love. 

There are different types of love. The love you feel for your child is very different than the love you feel for your spouse, parent or friend. 

The love you feel for your child is unconditional. There is nothing they can do to stop that love. You may not agree with their decisions, you may not even like your children some days....but the unconditonal love is always there. I have been tested to he extreme for this one. No matter the struggles with Gabe, I have loved him with every piece of me...even when it was not easy to even like him. There is nothing he can do to stop my love.

I am not married but know the feeling of being in love. It's a great feeling...euphoric....but not unconditional. I am fortunate enough to feel that "in love feeling." When you feel like nothing else matters but that time you have together. There are times you fall in and out of love. Love becomes a choice at some point. You have to have that strong foundation built, once you do the struggles and good times will come and go and you have to make the choice to love that person and never give up.  I believe that once you fall in love with someone, that love can always be reignited. Just like a candle....when you blow out the flame, you can light it again, but it takes a while for the wax to liquefy. If both people are willing to try and work at it, that flame can burn brighter than ever!

The love I have for my family is unique. They know my life story...have been there through each trial, tribulation, joyless occasion and accomplishment. There's a comfort with my family that I can't have with anyone else just because of the amount of time and history that's involved. They know my every flaw and good quality and love me no matter what. You can't pick your family though. It's a crap shoot really. But no matter what, there's a bond there...it's unexplainable. I am fortunate to have the most amazing family ever! I know you are all thinking your family is the best....but that's just because you have never met mine. ;)

The love you have for friends is so unique. Unlike your child and family, you pick these people. You go about life, meet someone and say, "yep...your my kind...come play in my sandbox." It's hard to say what makes you connect with one person or another, but the love is something that grows with time. You make memories together and see each other through the good and bad times and create a bond. There's a "soul connection" between certain friends. As if, part of your soul would not be whole if that person was not helping you feed it. I have a large group of friends....from many walks of life...all different in so many ways. They are from different socio economic classes, professions, views on politics and life in general. There's no rhyme or reason with a generalization of theses people "I picked to be in my life." Except one thing...they all have a great deal of compassion and love for the people that they love. 

Bringing us right back to that word again. The one thing that ties us all together is love. Even though love scares me because it leaves me vulnerable....I will continue to try to only surround myself with people that have that same goal....to love. :)

One wrong decision....

I watched the movie, "Fruitvale Station" the other night. I remembered the incident from a few years ago....but never really looked into the details. At the end...all I could think about was the chain reaction of the decisions he made in life....led him to where he was. 

It's kinda unnerving if you think about it....we all make bad decisions sometimes. One bad decision can cause a chain of events to destroy your life. 

For those that don't know the story behind Fruitvale Station...it's about a young man living in the Bay Area. He had a 4 year old little girl...seemed to have a rough life growing up. Went to San Quinn prison for a few years (and we all know you don't end up there for a petty crime). He had a beef with another inmate there...they seemed to run their mouths off to each other. Once out of prison, he got a job...but could not keep it because he was always late. Again...another bad decision. He went out with his friends for New Years in the city and took BART on the way home. On the train, he saw the guy that he had a beef with in prison. They got into a physical altercation which caused the BART police to come. They were pulled aside and handcuffed. The police seemed more aggressive than they should have been but the people being detained were getting up, mouthing off and not cooperating. Made me wonder, if they sat there quiet....not moving and said they wanted to speak to a lawyer....would the situation have escalated? The BART officer thought he was pulling out his taser, he actually pulled out his gun and shot him. He died....it's tragic no matter what...it's a loss of life...NO MATTER WHAT. A little girl lost her daddy....a mom lost her son...a sister lost her brother...a friend lost a friend. It's sad....senseless....and not ok. No one should ever lose their life in that way.  But what caused it? If you look at the course of his life and ask....did his decisions lead him to that senerio? 

If I were on that train that night....I would have been celebrating, having a great time with friends without a care in the world. Would I have run into someone that wanted to fight me from a bad decision made years ago? Probably not. If I were detained and questioned aggressively....would I have been mouthing off and trying to get up. Nope. I am not in ANY way saying that his death was justified....and that it could never happen to me. I am just looking at the facts from an outside prospective. 

Some would say that since he had a tough life growing up, that life, is all he knew. There's a part of me that understands that...but a part of me never will....since I was fortunate to grow up in a loving healthy environment. If it's true that he is just a product of his raising and does not know any other way to live...how do you explain the people that grow up homeless or unloved in the foster care system and they end up to be a huge success. Wasn't that their choice....no one was there to model that behavior, but they decided to make choices to change their future for the better. 

I have chosen to live the life I currently live. The choices I make every day form and dictate what happens tomorrow. If I make the choice to go to work...I am also making the choice to pay my bills and keep up my lifestyle. If I choose to slack off...show up late or not do my job while I am there....I am making the choice to change my lifestyle. The actions of today...have a reaction to everything in my future. Every word I speak...and every decision I make can change the course of my future. 

I feel fortunate to live the life I live...but fully understand that the reason I live this life...is because of the decisions I made in the past....and the decisions I will make in the future.