Grief is like the Ocean!

I attend the suicide prevention walk every year because I hope to raise awareness and prevent even one family from going a suicide loss. I am a suicide loss survivor but I hope that one day...there is no such thing. 

There are no photos of Rob in my home in our kids eye view. I never thought of it until the morning of the walk. I put my shirt on that has Rob's photo on the front. I picked up Maddie and she started flipping out. I have no idea what she was trying to tell me, but John and I both could tell that she "knew Rob." She was pointing at my shirt and looking at me as if to say, "I know him...how do you know him? I love him." It was one of the most powerful 30 seconds of my life. I have always hoped that Rob was here watching over my kids and me....letting me know he is here and watching them grow up. You see, Rob was amazing with kids. His niece  was his whole heart. I can only imagine how much he would have had fun with my kids...played with them...taught them bad things and a little bit of the good things too. :) 

I was asked to be a part of the bead ceremony this year at the walk. You stand on stage and someone reads a speech that you wrote about your loved one. I wrote all the things that made Rob...Rob. As Barbara read off all his amazing qualities, including how he loved anything fast....cars..motorcycles really anything fast, a very loud motorcycle revved his engine and took off down the street. It was so loud that Barbara could not finish her speech until he passed. That was in true Robbe fashion. It was a confirmation for me that he was there and he is proud of what I am trying to do for suicide prevention. It was comforting and sad all at once. It made me wish I could verbally talk to him and get a response, but brought peace to know that all these years later he is still showing his presence.

When you loose someone close to your heart, sooner than you would expect, you are left to wonder so many things. You wonder if you should have said something different before they passed? You wonder how they felt in their last moments? You wonder if you could have done anything different?You wonder if they are still here with us in spirit? The wonder can be overwhelming at times!!!!

You end up making it through the grieving process, but if we are honest we never stop grieving. Our grieving changes and evolves but never goes away. When you LOVE someone, that does not stop when they are no longer with us. 

Rob has been gone since April 21, 2012. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday and it hurts. I have worked through my grief and I am blessed that most days I get to remember the happy moments and focus on the good. But we all have our days where we wish we could hear their voice one more time...see their smile but not in a photo....feel the feeling when they made you laugh. Life keeps going on...and the only thing we have left is the CHOICE to be happy and stay positive. You get ONE life...why wouldn't you live each day like it was your last? Live the life that would make your loved one proud and try to focus on the happy times. I am blessed that I got to have Robbe in my life for 25 years...but sure have missed him a lot in the past 6!