Serendipity

Have you ever had one of those moments that everything aligns and it's a divine moment....i call it a serendipity moment. The dictionary meaning of Serendipity; "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.
Rob's 35th birthday was yesterday....I was anticipating this day...knowing this was the first year we would celebrate his birthday without him. My friend Jessica and I went to the cemetery together and brought a red balloon with a note attached to release. As we were sitting there, I started telling her that I just wish I could feel his presence with me.....I miss him so much! She told me to just be in the moment...listen...feel...stop over thinking. What great advice....God was working through her. I almost can't believe what happened next....
The balloon that had been floating behind me for a significant period of time....swung around and hit me in the face....the sun came out and Jess said "that's Rob telling you he is here" as she said that, the balloon swung around again and hit me. Still not really believing it was Rob....I said, " if I could see a hawk, I would feel better right now" (rob used to raise hawks...it was his thing....he loved them...so I have always felt a connection with hawks and rob) No sooner did the words leave my mouth, Jessica said..."look up". A hawk was flying towards us over the trees....it came directly above us and circled for what felt like a year...but realistically was five minutes. I felt a great sense of peace....like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt a little more healed from the pain of his death. After the hawk flew away and i started taking it all in...I started to feel overwhelmed and cried again....and no sooner...the hawk was back....circling directly above our heads again. The hawk left as soon as i was calm.
It felt unreal...I needed a sign...I needed to know everything was going to be ok. What a gift I was given....what a blessing. He was there with me...was it God? Was it Rob? Or was it just a hawk passing by at the right time? No one knows for sure....there's no firm answer. However, I believe nothing happens by chance, there are no coincidences in life, we can choose to open our eyes to our daily blessings and serendipity moments or we can just focus on the negative.
I don't know for sure what the hawk was....but I do know that we were out there for over an hour and no hawks flew by....and the moment I asked for one...it appeared. I choose to believe that it was a symbol of peace...a symbol that Rob is ok...and I will be ok too! It was a moment that God knew I needed in order to move forward in my grief. I had been asking for a sign for 9 months...but asking to see something with your eyes closed is pointless.
I am so thankful for Jessica being with me and giving me the strength I needed...and so thankful for the blessing in the form of a hawk.

It takes light to come out of the darkness...

What a powerful statement...."darkness cannot drive out darkness...only light can do that." Staying positive, even in the worst of times is the only way to walk out of the darkness. The other part of that quote is even more powerful, "hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." That is one of the hardest things to do in life....to love when it's not easy to love. Isn't that one of the things that shows our character? How do you love the people that are not easy to love? With compassion? Honesty? Patience? Acceptance? The people in our lives will not be easy to love all the time....that's what makes us human? Hatred is something that will eat at you and damage your own soul. It brings nothing positive to the table...creates nothing good. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to hate someone who genuinely loves you? It's almost impossible.
Life is a journey...it's like a hike...sometimes it's a smooth straight road, while other times it feels like you are walking up a hill so steep that it seems impossible to make it to the top. Its a choice to keep hiking or turn around...to save yourself the pain. If you decide to push through the pain, you reach the peak of the mountain....you feel such a great feeling of accomplishment and exhaustion at the same time. I would not take back any of my exhausting hikes because the scars created along the way have enabled me to let go of so many unnecessary wasted negative feelings....and probably made me appreciate those straight roads even more.
So...I choose light to come out of my darkness and I choose to keep climbing up my mountain...never turning around...never giving up....and always staying positive!

Out of the mouths of babes....

They say the first year is the hardest....all the firsts without him will hit you like a ton of bricks and with time it will get easier...some things do...some don't. I missed him more than usual on monday when my pipe broke...went to reach for the phone....dialed the first 3 numbers...saw his picture come up on my phone and the harsh reality that he would not answer came in the form of tears and gut wrenching pain. I tried to "snap out of it" all day...but could not quite get out of the funk.
On Friday, it will be 8 months since I last heard his voice...made plans to see him in a few hours...seemed like a normal day. Then it all changed. Life has moved forward since then...it has to, but it does not make missing him any easier.
Tonight when I was visiting Courtney and the family....Addy reached up for me to bend over and hug her. I would usually pick her up....but just wrapped my arms around her this time. She held on tight and whispered in my ear, "I used to hug my bubbies just like this when he was alive." I felt a huge lump in my throat forming but knowing that I needed to stay strong for her, I swallowed the tears. She then asked if I missed bubbies too....I told her since he is not here to hug anymore, she can hug me the same way she used to hug him and I missed him so much too...she squeezed my neck so tight and whispered , "I love you."
It was a moment I will not forget....a moment that I wish he was here to hug her for....and maybe me too!

Day 17 thankful for...

Since yesterday was not the day I expected and did not get home until after midnight...I did not have time to write.
Soooooo day 17 thankful for is all the great kids in my life. Yesterday my little man Caiden was with his mom at work and out of the blue he wanted to draw me a picture and deliver it. Warms my heart and made my whole day so much better!!!! I am very blessed to have the people in my life...and some of those people are pint size. ;)

Day 13 thankful for....

Today I am thankful for my mom! I spent the day in Napa with her, taking pictures and enjoying the scenery. She is very creative, loving, and can fix ANYTHING!!!! My favorite memories as a child wrap around her baking us cookies and doing crafts with her. At 34 years old...there are still times that nothing makes me feel better than my mom! Sooo...today I am thankful for my mom!

Day 10 thankful for...

I am so glad I did this 30 days of why i am thankful...it has lifted my spirit and forced me to think of all my blessings.
Day 10 I am thankful for my friend Marcia. I have many loyal, loving friends and I am so blessed in that department....but today I am thankful for Marcia.
Most people see our pictures on Facebook having adventures...traveling...taking pictures and just having a great time. We have a unique friendship...we can spend a week together and not get tired of each other...be in the car for 12 hours and never argue...we are annoyed by the same things and love the same hobbies too...we seem to usually be in the same mood at the same time so our time just flows smoothly. We love the same foods and our time together is just easy and always fun!
That's just a few of the reasons I am thankful for her. Most people don't know how much she supports me...when Rob passed away she was right there...laying next to me as I sobbed for hours...just being there...knowing I did not need words...just needed to know someone cared! I am thankful that she loves me...for me!!!
I really believe that God places people in our lives in his timing and we should trust that...cherish and nurture those friendships. I don't waste my time on negative, petty, controlling and selfish people...if I put my time and energy into those relationships...it would take away from all the amazing people that God has given me!
Sooooo day 10 I am thankful for the amazing friendship that I have with Marcia...I appreciate her more than I think she will ever know!!!!

Day 5...thankful for...

Tonight was my last night at group therapy for people that have experienced a sudden loss in their life. I went into the group only thinking that I would gain something out of it...that I would find the tools to heal my pain. I feel like I learned so much and have some of the tools I need to continue moving forward. Tonight the facilitator of the group took me aside and said that I was inspirational and a positive person and that some of the ideas I shared in group, she was going to bring up in future group therapy sessions. It made me feel good that not only did I get a lot out of group... But that I was able to contribute as well. So today I am thankful for the people I met at group therapy for helping me move forward in life...and continue to heal.